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**WARNING**
Before proceeding, the management wishes for you to please understand that this doesn’t work like email. You may read some things below that you won’t be able to ‘un’read if you take our drift. They will burn into your brain and you will not be able to rid yourself of the imagery. Trust us, we’ve tried. Know that you continue at your own risk as we claim no responsibility for this maniac whatsoever. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. May God have mercy on us all.
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The man. The myth. The legend
Ken ‘Joboo’ Pollreisz
Ken Pollreisz came into this world sporting a head the size of a 15 pound bowling ball. This obviously caused his mother great distress and resulted in him resembling a cantaloupe on a stick. While the colossal cranium did foreshadow the incredible intelligence that he still possesses, the hefty head was not conducive to learning to walk. Whenever the young lad would succeed in standing to his feet, the weight of his double-wide dome would cause him to topple over to one side or the other. On the plus side, his parents never had to teach him to ’stop’, ‘drop’, and ‘roll’ as that became his normal method of getting around. Eventually he grew into his massive melon which resulted in him being the perfect size to man the line in Mighty Mite football, but forever killed his dream of being a Speedo model.
Ken would attend public school in Richland, MO for his entire elementary & secondary career. He Eventually graduated on time despite making a general nuisance of himself by being ‘too smart for his own good’. He began a transitional period in his life spending 1 year at Southwest Missouri State University, 2 years at Linn Technical College, and 27 months, 12 days, 3 hours, and 51 seconds thinking he was Rerun from ‘What’s Happening!’. It was during this time that he met a beautiful young woman who, due to her overdeveloped sense of social responsibility and love for berets, took it upon herself to stay with him & explain the Rerun thing to people. After he finally snapped out of it, she found him to be a pretty decent fellow, and decided to marry him just in case he had a relapse.
In the golden years since, they have been blessed with two beautiful (meaning they look like their mother) children who are both blessed by not having their father’s sizable skull. Ken has been gainfully employed at a supermarket, a hotel, a clown college, a waterpark, an institution of higher learning, a second supermarket, a bank, an international security agency, and a software company. None of which has made up for the Speedo model thing. Ken and his family now reside as the landed aristocracy of Cassville, MO where he spends most of his spare time fine-tuning his hatred of Michigan State, devising new and better ways to roast the perfect marshmallow, and studying the writings of Jack Handy. His wife spends most of her spare time thwarting his attempts to get a tattoo of Bo Schembechler’s face on his tush. His children spend most of their time trying to convince friends that they are not really embarrassed by their father.
